Vignettes
'FattyLustDaddy (at large in the community)'
I hadn't seen him in over a year and was surprised to see that he was still grossly overweight.
'Hey Daddy, I thought you lost weight?'
'What made you think that?'
'BierkellerBoy told me you had been shedding lots of pounds these past few months.'
'Fuck off Harry, why don't you' was his surprisingly curt response.
It later transpired that what BierkellerBoy meant was that FattyLustDaddy had been spending increasing amounts of money on time with assorted working girls. So in a way, he had been losing weight, but out of his pocket.
'Overweight & Oversold: the Twenty-Thousand Pound Sucka'
SeñorSelfSatisfaction informed me of FattyLustDaddy's latest business deal. Not content with a wife, child and decent job, he - in the finest tradition of addictive personalities - invested both his and his retired father's savings in a venture originating from the old country, Kenya. He had been persuaded to invest twenty thousand pounds in purchasing a shipping container.
He hadn't performed any due diligence on the vendors, didn't attempt to understand or validate their business plan - or even confirm the existence of one. For one thing, why were they courting a foreign investor rather than securing a local one? Why not a professional investor with relevant domain expertise, i.e. someone who has previously invested in freight ventures? This was starting to smell like Captain Birds Eyes fingers.
Furthermore, why did they need the money? If they already had a container, what they needed was a way to leverage ownership of it (make money), e.g. items to store and ship, contacts with shipping clerks and freight companies.
Daddy had no answer to these questions, insisting that it was a great deal, talking of big returns - and how the vendors hosted lavish dinners in his honour. We tried to get across that it was a tactic to lull him into a false sense of security through fake bonhomie - and that the funds for such banquets were coming out of his investment, not their own pockets. He assured us he had seen the container, but was unable to tell us the size, age, condition (not that he had the knowledge to assess it) or type (refrigerated or not). Likewise, he had no idea what it would be filled with and where & when it would be shipped.
There may be such investment vehicles as Blind Trusts, but they shouldn't be confused with Daddy's investment strategy of blind faith.
I figured it to be a scam, where a single container is sold multiple times to people who believe themselves to be the sole owner. I'm guessing that only one container exists and it is used to con other potential investors. For the scam to succeed, all investors must be resident overseas, so they cannot arrive unannounced to check at random. The scam is then probably extended by pumping the investor for more cash - for maintenance, goodwill (bribes) to shipping clerks, etc, while the promise of great returns is dangled like a golden carrot. But you can't eat a golden carrot, can you?
The desperate investor, short of funds - having foolishly invested everything with no stress funds of their own to fall back on - tries to tap friends for funds (always a bad idea, if you want to keep your friends); they usually and wisely refuse.
All the while, the investor is kept in the dark about what the container could be used to transport. After all, IF there was more than one container, and IF the investor was the sole owner of that container (conferring ultimate legal liability on them), then the fact that the vendor went out of its way to seek a non-professional, overseas resident investor raises an ethical questionmark over the transaction. Could the container - if it exists and is used for shipping - form the basis for trafficking illegal immigrants (possibly into slavery, prostitution), guns or drugs? If Daddy has dual nationality for Kenya and the UK, a warrant for his arrest in Kenya could be prosecuted, i.e. he'd be nicked and in a Kenyan jail, ending up as someone's ComfyLoveMommy.
All in all, it hasn't yet occurred to Daddy that if it's too good to be true, then it probably is. I'm not sure if he'll bear a grudge against me for writing this. Mind you, at least I will be able to confirm the validity of my theory - it has been suggested around town that he is short on d*ck (hence his moody, greedy demeanour), but I suspect he is long on memory.
I hadn't seen him in over a year and was surprised to see that he was still grossly overweight.
'Hey Daddy, I thought you lost weight?'
'What made you think that?'
'BierkellerBoy told me you had been shedding lots of pounds these past few months.'
'Fuck off Harry, why don't you' was his surprisingly curt response.
It later transpired that what BierkellerBoy meant was that FattyLustDaddy had been spending increasing amounts of money on time with assorted working girls. So in a way, he had been losing weight, but out of his pocket.
'Overweight & Oversold: the Twenty-Thousand Pound Sucka'
SeñorSelfSatisfaction informed me of FattyLustDaddy's latest business deal. Not content with a wife, child and decent job, he - in the finest tradition of addictive personalities - invested both his and his retired father's savings in a venture originating from the old country, Kenya. He had been persuaded to invest twenty thousand pounds in purchasing a shipping container.
He hadn't performed any due diligence on the vendors, didn't attempt to understand or validate their business plan - or even confirm the existence of one. For one thing, why were they courting a foreign investor rather than securing a local one? Why not a professional investor with relevant domain expertise, i.e. someone who has previously invested in freight ventures? This was starting to smell like Captain Birds Eyes fingers.
Furthermore, why did they need the money? If they already had a container, what they needed was a way to leverage ownership of it (make money), e.g. items to store and ship, contacts with shipping clerks and freight companies.
Daddy had no answer to these questions, insisting that it was a great deal, talking of big returns - and how the vendors hosted lavish dinners in his honour. We tried to get across that it was a tactic to lull him into a false sense of security through fake bonhomie - and that the funds for such banquets were coming out of his investment, not their own pockets. He assured us he had seen the container, but was unable to tell us the size, age, condition (not that he had the knowledge to assess it) or type (refrigerated or not). Likewise, he had no idea what it would be filled with and where & when it would be shipped.
There may be such investment vehicles as Blind Trusts, but they shouldn't be confused with Daddy's investment strategy of blind faith.
I figured it to be a scam, where a single container is sold multiple times to people who believe themselves to be the sole owner. I'm guessing that only one container exists and it is used to con other potential investors. For the scam to succeed, all investors must be resident overseas, so they cannot arrive unannounced to check at random. The scam is then probably extended by pumping the investor for more cash - for maintenance, goodwill (bribes) to shipping clerks, etc, while the promise of great returns is dangled like a golden carrot. But you can't eat a golden carrot, can you?
The desperate investor, short of funds - having foolishly invested everything with no stress funds of their own to fall back on - tries to tap friends for funds (always a bad idea, if you want to keep your friends); they usually and wisely refuse.
All the while, the investor is kept in the dark about what the container could be used to transport. After all, IF there was more than one container, and IF the investor was the sole owner of that container (conferring ultimate legal liability on them), then the fact that the vendor went out of its way to seek a non-professional, overseas resident investor raises an ethical questionmark over the transaction. Could the container - if it exists and is used for shipping - form the basis for trafficking illegal immigrants (possibly into slavery, prostitution), guns or drugs? If Daddy has dual nationality for Kenya and the UK, a warrant for his arrest in Kenya could be prosecuted, i.e. he'd be nicked and in a Kenyan jail, ending up as someone's ComfyLoveMommy.
All in all, it hasn't yet occurred to Daddy that if it's too good to be true, then it probably is. I'm not sure if he'll bear a grudge against me for writing this. Mind you, at least I will be able to confirm the validity of my theory - it has been suggested around town that he is short on d*ck (hence his moody, greedy demeanour), but I suspect he is long on memory.
posted by Harry Twatts at 7:58 PM
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